Book Ponder

• Men’s Work: A Practical Guide to Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, and Find Freedom by Connor Beaton
•  Published: January 31, 2023
• Pages: 255
•  Rating: 4/5 Stars
•  Read: April 27, 2023 – May 14, 2023

Men’s Work was recommended to me by a friend by saying that it was a great read if you are going through a challenging time as a man.  Everyone goes through challenging times, but I think for men, we are going through a phase where it is hard to figure out what kind of man we should be.  Many of the old ways are outdated and many of the new views seem too extreme and it is a path of self-reflection that can give us an answer to what kind of man we should be.                                                                                                                                                        

The Truth About Being Vulnerable

 The part of this book that hit the hardest was about showing vulnerability as a man.  Women constantly ask us to talk about our feelings, to tell us what’s wrong, and to show more emotion, yet as men, we start to notice a pattern when we act this way.  Women tell us they want this but when we do it, they start to distance themselves from us or start to look at us in a different light.  This does not apply to all women, but I believe women are wired to view us as a protecting presence, and when that protector starts to show weakness, years of evolution kick in where they realize this male is weak and they need to find a stronger one.     Brene Brown researched this phenomenon in her book Daring Greatly:

“Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up.”

Brene Brown

I am not blaming women for this reaction; I honestly believe it is hardwired in their DNA and it’s not something they are doing on purpose.  It sounds nice to have someone you care about be emotional and tell you their feelings, but men struggle with this because it has backfired on them so many times.  So, unless you are one of the lucky few who are with a woman who is not affected by this phenomenon, then you need to find another outlet for these feelings.  The best resource is a good male friend or family member that you can trust, I know it sounds contradictory to be talking about your feelings to another man but when a real bond is formed with a male best friend, they can be the best outlet for these kinds of emotions because they also may be going through the same thing. 

 How To Attract Women

 One of the biggest mysteries to men and probably one of the areas where people get some of the worse advice is how to attract women.  Readers flock to these sections in self-help books for men and some of the advice may help you but, in the end, the answer on how to attract women is simple: Work on yourself.  Working on yourself will make you the most attractive version of yourself which will work better than any dating advice you will ever receive.  Connor Beaton emphasizes this point,

“By now you’re probably thinking, “I thought you were going to teach me about women, or how to be better with them. How to communicate better, get along better with them, or get laid more.” Yes. That is exactly what I’m doing. However, rather than teaching you shoddy tactics to “hack” a woman’s behavior or biological desires, I’m bringing you right to the source—yourself. To being the most attractive version of you whether you’re single, dating, or married. And how do you do that? Twofold: first by seeing all the meek, insecure, manipulative, and childish behaviors you are unaware of so you can strengthen these aspects of yourself. And second by realizing that when you take all the focus, brain power, time, and strategies you’ve created to try and understand or be successful with women and apply these to yourself, you become a man who not only knows what he wants but also becomes undeniably attractive to women. When a woman is around a man who knows himself—his desires, wants, needs, mission, and purpose, and who is able to communicate what he needs in a grounded, healthy, and respectful way—she will either have an incredibly deep desire to be with him or run for the hills because she hasn’t done the work to be ready for him. Not to mention you will have clarity on whether she is the right woman for you.”

Connor Beaton

Beaton is spot on; a woman is most attracted to a man that puts himself first.  An attractive man works on his health, fitness, and career goals.  Women want a man that has ambition and is looking for someone to share their life with, not someone to revolve their entire life around.  Sure, women may like being the center of attention, but that gets old and boring, and before you know it, she will be ditching you for the next guy because you brought nothing to the relationship, only an obsession for her.  Get in the gym, have hobbies, have standards, and always put yourself first.  If you do these things the right kind of women will become attracted to you, not just the kind that are desperate for attention.

 Relationships Aren’t Fairytales

 Every day I see people come to message boards asking for advice on their relationships.  The questions can vary from infidelity to lack of communication, but most of the answers boil down to random internet users saying: “Run for the hills!”, “Get out while you can!”, or “You deserve much better, leave now!”  While on certain occasions this is good advice, most of the time it’s advice that many of the users aren’t even following themselves.  Everyone expects relationships to be a fairytale and any bump in the road should be the end of it.  If this was the case no one would ever get married again and all the people that are married would get divorced.  Relationships are hard work and that’s what makes them so satisfying when you find the right person.  As Beaton says,

“Outside of the common reasons for infidelity is the unsavory reality of modern-day relationships. Modern culture and mainstream narratives have burdened relationships and marriage with the obligation of being everything for the individuals within them—leaving countless people acting as if their partner should be everything they could ever need. People in the relationship are expected to be lovers, friends, a life coach to one another, cheerleader, therapist, trusted council, and more. Technology has gamified dating, media has laced marriage with unrealistic, Disney-like expectations, and far too many people skip from one relationship to the next when their partner fails to entertain them or fulfill their unfulfillable expectations. We demonize cheaters, encourage people to vacate a relationship with even a whiff of being unhappy, and livestream people caught in the act of infidelity for some good old public shaming. Cheating has become cheap entertainment, an act of revenge, a cure for boredom, and a way to sabotage or exit a relationship without having the difficult conversation needed to end the relationship.”

Connor Beaton

While you shouldn’t wait around in a bad relationship, you also shouldn’t quit after every fight or disagreement, or else you will have a hard time ever being in a healthy relationship.

 Your Kids Are Always Observing You

 Men have always been seen as the provider for the family and in most families, they work longer hours and spend less time with the kids.  This does not give you an excuse to be a bad father.   Most dads give dedicated time to their kids which is great, but kids are also observing you when you aren’t giving them time.  They watch what you do in your downtime, they see how you treat your spouse, and they see the leisure activities you participate in.   Most kids learn from what they see not from what you tell them.  Beaton talks about the diminishing role of a father and how that is showing our young boys that is it okay to be weak men.

“Outside of these obvious versions of absent fathers are the male parents who are deeply disconnected from their own masculinity and have adopted a female-centric version of what a father should look like. These men are often immature, avoid responsibility, and likely didn’t grow up with men around or were told that men were dangerous. Because of this, they outsource and defer most parenting and relationship decisions to the mother, playing a ghostlike role of a father. These men lack opinions, direction, assertiveness, and fail to create any kind of structure or order for their children—leaving their sons malnourished in healthy, positive masculinity.”

Connor Beaton

Your kids are watching you all the time and the things they see are what they think it is to be a father or husband.  If little daughters see their dad abusing their mom or treating them like garbage, they are going to think that’s the kind of guy they need to be with and when they are treated poorly in their relationships when they get older, they are going think it is okay because they saw their dad do it to their mom.  The same goes for little boys, when they see their dad act a certain way, they will act the same way when they get older.  If you want to raise great kids show them what it is to be a great man.

 Final Thoughts

 Men’s Work was a solid read and Connor’s story of his struggles was very relatable to any man who has suffered through hard times.  I liked that the author was straightforward in his points but also didn’t demean women or make them sound inferior.  He focused on ways for men to improve in all facets of life without being harmful or disrespectful to others. 

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